Justin Clark Huggins memories 1984-2005: just needed to talk to you

Thursday, March 26, 2009

just needed to talk to you

I was listening to your tapes you sent me on your mission. I almost made myself believe that you were still on you mission. Then I got sad that you are not. I wish i could put them on here so the other people can listen to them to. Justin, I need you here so i can feel your spirit. Trent needs you also. You were and are his hero. It's weird how your life is in stages with grief, first you are in shock then denial ( i was in this one for a long time) I think i am in the mad stage. Not mad at any one. just mad you are not here, mad i can't hold you , mad at myself when i look at your picture and think how did this ever happened. I get so tired of pretending it don't hurt no more, but i can be truthful with you. You will not judge me on how i grieve right, If Heavenly Father could spare you a few minute , i would love for you to come to me in a dream so i could talk with ya just for a min. I love you Go Giv'em Heaven love you mom

No comments:

Post a Comment

Our Justin Clark Huggins

Our Justin Clark Huggins
Our Justin graduated June 2002, went off to college in price to play baseball, then got his mission call march 25 2003, he left for the Tampa, Florida mission June 25,2003 we were always so close he was one of my best friends. I thought I would die when he left for his mission and not talk with him only four times in two years. I can honestly say that I tried to talk him out of going. He told me, mom if I do not go, the girls I want to marry will not marry me. I said I know. So he left got my first letter and then my second and so on. he promised me that he would write every week and email once a week. He kept his word. He also sent me a picture of his bed on every transfer so I could picture where he sleeps at night. The closer it was time, for him to come home I was so nervous all these thought would come in my head is he going to proud of us will he think we grew in our testimony will he be disappointed. I told Clark my husband it just seems so nice to have him home I just feel something is going to happen; he just said I was being paranoid. I said yea I guess. Therefore, June 30, 2005 came and he was coming home. When he was coming down the stairs at the airport I just had a feeling that my boy was not going to be with us long, I could not put my finger on it. May be it was that his next step was moving out or getting married. I was just worried. I never said anything to anyone. I always said be safe wear your belt. He would just laugh and say mom I have done that forever. He loved baseball, played all his life through high school on up to college. Therefore, when he came back he picked that sport up again. I love watching him play it was a family event. He decides to go to Utah State University to play baseball on their club team. He went in to agriculture mechanics. He loved to farm with his dad. He wasn't going to move out but at the last minute he decided he wanted the college feel, so he move to Logan, August 27, 2005, only 30 min away. He came home every week to play ball and to do laundry. The last two weeks he started his new ward and was the family home evening paw for one week. He would come home just on Saturday and go home Sunday morning before his church. The Thursday before he died, he played in Tremonton. We went to his game and had a good time. I sat by one of my friends and we were talking how I worried when he left and traveled with the baseball team and how glad I was when they got canceled, she said why, I told her that I just worry that something is going to happen to him. (First time I ever said this aloud) she said he is too good of a boy for anything to happen to him. I said I just got a nagging feeling. When he got ready to leave I hugged him and said just come home. He said mom I cannot miss baseball practice. I hugged him very hard; he always raised his hands and said save it. Then we would laugh and he would hug me back. We said our love you. I told him to call me when he got to his apartment. It took longer than what I expected so I text him and said nice call. Then the phone rang, he said sorry he was talking to these girls in his apartment complex. We talked awhile then hung up. I am rambling about my story. Sept 24, 2004 there was the big football game on campus one of his friends came up from college to hang out with him... On Sunday, he called home and we talked about school, baseball, and girls. That was the last time I talked with him. (Alive). Monday was just like any other day. It was like 4:00 pm I came in from mowing the lawn, and started to help Matti with her reading and spelling. I had the TV on; there was breaking news on TV. Saying a van rolled killing six people in Box Elder County; this is where we are from. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I just knew I knew someone in it. I called my best friend who has a van and five kids. She did not answer. Then the news said it was a 15-passenger van. Then I started thinking whom I knew. Then it said a U.S.U van, wow I bet Justin knew someone on it. Then I kept watching it. Then it said it was a U.S.U van had 11 people on it. They were returning from an agriculture field trip. Justin is in that class, I looked at the clock and it said five something. I thought well he is at baseball practice. I called his cell phone anyway, but hung up because I thought he would not answer it anyway. Then the phone rang and it was the hospital. Saying they had our Justin in the McKay Dee hospital. I said no you do not he is at baseball, so make a long story shorter. We got to the hospital and a social worker and a doctor was they’re waiting for us. They said that he had major head injuries, when they were doing a cat scan he died. They revived him. We went to see him in the emergency room I took a deep breath and walked in. there was my Justin laying there I'll I could think of was " this boo boo is way to big to kiss away". I kept rubbing his little toes they were so cold I kept covering them up and they nicely uncovered them. Clark and his dad gave him a blessing; the doctor's were trying to get him stable so they can move him to intensive care. He was losing so much blood they had to take him to surgery. They said it was a damn if you do damn if you do not situation. They needed to find where the eternal bleeding was coming from. We kissed him gave him a blessing and prayed for the best. I just kept thinking of his patriarchal blessing, that said (that I bless you that when the time comes you will be able to find a mate and that together you will be worthy to go to the temple of Our Father in heaven and there to be sealed for time and all eternity. I bless you that you will know the joys of parenthood that will have children who will honor you and respect you in this life.) It gave me a little hope. There was so many people there, Clark and I just walked outside when my sister in-law came out and said the social worker is looking for us. I knew, they took us in a little room and told us they did everything they could. They could not stop the bleeding. It was as if I was watching myself on TV. Clark and I cried and cried. Then my other son came and cried with us. Then we went and faced the massive about of friends and relatives waiting down the hall. This will sound weird but all I could think about was the titanic movie when she died and she walked past all those people to greet her friend. That is what I felt like both sides of the hall were full of people. My Justin was home 89 days from his mission, before the accident. There were 11 on the van that day. The instructor and eight boys died. We buried Justin on his 3-month mark of being home. What has helped me is talking about it. Knowing I will see him again. Writing letters too him. It is as I said when he was on his mission he sent me pictures of his bed so I can see were he slept. If I could just get a glimpse of where he is and see what he is doing it would be so much easier for me. It will be
four years, on the 26 of September.
In memory of Justin Clark Huggins
June 6, 1984 - September 26, 2005