Justin Clark Huggins memories 1984-2005: February 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

not a journal post just a memory

In between Justin and Trenton i had a miscarriage, we had tried so hard to have another baby. I was crying on the front porch and Justin (4) put his little arms around my neck and said,"mommy it will be OK" then he went and got his dad off the tractor and said,"mom needs you" He always took care of me. He had such a old soul.
love you
go give them heaven
mom

Thursday, February 26, 2009

journal 7

Justin, Saturday Oct 29,2005

Last night i dreamed of you, I was working in a cafe and all your friends were there. But you weren't. I kept asking where you were they said, "you were coming". So a few minutes later you pulled up. I was so excited I ran out and hugged you so tight and you said "save it" and smiled and hugged me back. You sat down, I knew you were going to die so I told you to stay and don't leave. So I turned away from you only for a moment, and turned back and you were gone I called you. You answered i asked you why you left and didn't say love you or good bye. You told me you had somewhere to go, told me to come but i couldn't get off work. the next the i knew i was standing on these step talking to sister Hinkley (she had already passed) I was telling how all these boys died in this van, she said i will tell you why these boys all had to die, But then i woke up. I was so sad i cried and cried. I thought of all people sister Hinkely would know why you had to die.

go give them heaven

love you mom

journal 6

Justin oct28,2005

well dad found out where you were laying after the wreck, it breaks my heart that you were hurting, and i was not there to help you. This sucks and I miss you.

go give them heaven

love you

mom

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

memorial at U.S.U

Monday, February 23, 2009

journal 5

Justin Sunday Oct 16,2005

Wow, i am still trying to put all this stuff together. I want to know everything about the accident,
and I wish you could come to me in a dream and let me know your OK and didn't suffer when you died.
I think i know what shirt you had on when you died your #27 C.E.U baseball shirt. I don't know why that is so important to me but it is.

I miss you i am trying to be faithful .Please Please help me.
go give them heaven
love you
mom

Sunday, February 22, 2009

journal 4

Justin Oct 14, 2005
Kim and I went to the temple today.(I Know you are proud :) when i was there I think i wanted this big sign from you, I tried so hard to be in tune. I think my mind was to busy. I thought I could feel you when i went through the veil.Then we when and ate. When i got home there was a message from Julie saying today is the day that rick died 3 years ago, and that she had a dream of you and you were in you baseball uniform and had this big huge smile like it was saying you were happy. I guess the lord does answer prays not they we think.
go give them heaven
love you
mom

Saturday, February 21, 2009

journal 3

Justin oct 11, 2005

I understand not writing in this it is hard. I think I am getting better I just want you to come to me and tell me you are O.K. This Jenny Pearson wrote me it said," To Justin's family I lived underneath Justin at U.S.U, I just want to tell you about something he told me... because it helped me. A week before Justin died Justin came in our apartment( in his baseball uniform swinging his bat) and we were talking. I don't remember how we started the conversation, I remember he told us he was not afraid to die because the lord knew when he was needed, no matter if it was in a car accident or a heart attack or of old age, that when it was his time he was not afraid to die. It helped me so much."
I wish you were here
go give them heaven
love you tons
mom

Friday, February 20, 2009

journal 2

justin, Oct 8,05

Jimmy came home from his misson yesterday, he seems so grown up. I was so excited for sam, but yet a little jelouse, but what a great thing to have him home. I miss u
go give them heaven
love u mom

Thursday, February 19, 2009

journal

Justin sept 30, 2005
Never In a million years would I of thought that I would be burying one of my best friends. You got home 3 months today. I sure hope you loved the services, so many people. It was packed primary room and young women room and relief society room. one of the 70's talked. I miss u
go give them heaven
love you mom

ps for got Elder Heldt and Elder spencer talked.

Journal

Sept 29, 2005
Justin, so we had your viewing tonight, you touched so many lives. So many Elders you served with are so heart broken. I tryed to comfort some of you friends that feel so guilty so maybe you can give them comfort.
go give them heaven
love you mom

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The day Justin Died

It helps me to right about things i think of, so here is my journal page.

Sept26,2005
worst day ever!!!!!!!!! oh Justin i won't be able to talk with you so these entry are to you. so I can tell you how i feel and you best listen, so today started off great, took Matti to school cleaned the house picked up Matti went and got treats from the store, came home mowed the lawn, and helped Matti with her school work the TV was on Oprah, I heard breaking news come on that there was a van rollover and it killed 6 people .my gut just went sick cuz i knew i knew someone on there. they said it was a a.g usu van i thought justin is in that class, i will call him but kept hanging it up cause I knew he was at baseball,. but it kept nagging me and nagging me , so i call and hung up, then my phone rung and the lady on the other line said we have your son Justin at McKay Dee. he was in a car accident, i said no you don't he is at baseball practice. she said is there someone with you , the only think i could do was kneel and pray with my girls. thank you justin for hanging

in there so we can say i love you, I sure hope i wasnt to hard on you. thanks for being a good boy, i love you go give em heaven

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I grounded Justin

I grounded Justin from our mantel i use to have his picture and baseball shoe's and sun glasses and some other Nick knack, things at Christmas i got mad at him for not being here, so i took it down and put it in his room. He is still grounded, I hope this is a normal grieving thing.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

sweet sound of justin

One of Justin's good friends Nichole Stokes gave me a wind chime right after Justin passed away, on the chime it said "sweet sound of Justin." It is my favorite gift every. there is a poem that goes with it. So every time you here a wind chimes think of my Justin.

WHISPERS FROM HEAVEN

When I left this world without you
I know it made you blue.
Your tears fell so freely,
I watched; I know this is true.

While you were weeping
Days after I passed away-
While all was silent within me,
I saw you kneel to pray.

From this wonderful place called heaven
Where all my pain is gone,
I send a gentle breeze to whisper.
"my loved ones, please go on"

The peace that I have found here
Goes far beyond compare
No rain. no clouds, no suffering-
Just LOVE from everywhere.

You need not be troubled
Just stay close to GOD in prayer
Someday we'll be reunited
My love, HIS love surrounds you always
EVERYWHERE!

brenda smith and littelton

Our Justin Clark Huggins

Our Justin Clark Huggins
Our Justin graduated June 2002, went off to college in price to play baseball, then got his mission call march 25 2003, he left for the Tampa, Florida mission June 25,2003 we were always so close he was one of my best friends. I thought I would die when he left for his mission and not talk with him only four times in two years. I can honestly say that I tried to talk him out of going. He told me, mom if I do not go, the girls I want to marry will not marry me. I said I know. So he left got my first letter and then my second and so on. he promised me that he would write every week and email once a week. He kept his word. He also sent me a picture of his bed on every transfer so I could picture where he sleeps at night. The closer it was time, for him to come home I was so nervous all these thought would come in my head is he going to proud of us will he think we grew in our testimony will he be disappointed. I told Clark my husband it just seems so nice to have him home I just feel something is going to happen; he just said I was being paranoid. I said yea I guess. Therefore, June 30, 2005 came and he was coming home. When he was coming down the stairs at the airport I just had a feeling that my boy was not going to be with us long, I could not put my finger on it. May be it was that his next step was moving out or getting married. I was just worried. I never said anything to anyone. I always said be safe wear your belt. He would just laugh and say mom I have done that forever. He loved baseball, played all his life through high school on up to college. Therefore, when he came back he picked that sport up again. I love watching him play it was a family event. He decides to go to Utah State University to play baseball on their club team. He went in to agriculture mechanics. He loved to farm with his dad. He wasn't going to move out but at the last minute he decided he wanted the college feel, so he move to Logan, August 27, 2005, only 30 min away. He came home every week to play ball and to do laundry. The last two weeks he started his new ward and was the family home evening paw for one week. He would come home just on Saturday and go home Sunday morning before his church. The Thursday before he died, he played in Tremonton. We went to his game and had a good time. I sat by one of my friends and we were talking how I worried when he left and traveled with the baseball team and how glad I was when they got canceled, she said why, I told her that I just worry that something is going to happen to him. (First time I ever said this aloud) she said he is too good of a boy for anything to happen to him. I said I just got a nagging feeling. When he got ready to leave I hugged him and said just come home. He said mom I cannot miss baseball practice. I hugged him very hard; he always raised his hands and said save it. Then we would laugh and he would hug me back. We said our love you. I told him to call me when he got to his apartment. It took longer than what I expected so I text him and said nice call. Then the phone rang, he said sorry he was talking to these girls in his apartment complex. We talked awhile then hung up. I am rambling about my story. Sept 24, 2004 there was the big football game on campus one of his friends came up from college to hang out with him... On Sunday, he called home and we talked about school, baseball, and girls. That was the last time I talked with him. (Alive). Monday was just like any other day. It was like 4:00 pm I came in from mowing the lawn, and started to help Matti with her reading and spelling. I had the TV on; there was breaking news on TV. Saying a van rolled killing six people in Box Elder County; this is where we are from. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I just knew I knew someone in it. I called my best friend who has a van and five kids. She did not answer. Then the news said it was a 15-passenger van. Then I started thinking whom I knew. Then it said a U.S.U van, wow I bet Justin knew someone on it. Then I kept watching it. Then it said it was a U.S.U van had 11 people on it. They were returning from an agriculture field trip. Justin is in that class, I looked at the clock and it said five something. I thought well he is at baseball practice. I called his cell phone anyway, but hung up because I thought he would not answer it anyway. Then the phone rang and it was the hospital. Saying they had our Justin in the McKay Dee hospital. I said no you do not he is at baseball, so make a long story shorter. We got to the hospital and a social worker and a doctor was they’re waiting for us. They said that he had major head injuries, when they were doing a cat scan he died. They revived him. We went to see him in the emergency room I took a deep breath and walked in. there was my Justin laying there I'll I could think of was " this boo boo is way to big to kiss away". I kept rubbing his little toes they were so cold I kept covering them up and they nicely uncovered them. Clark and his dad gave him a blessing; the doctor's were trying to get him stable so they can move him to intensive care. He was losing so much blood they had to take him to surgery. They said it was a damn if you do damn if you do not situation. They needed to find where the eternal bleeding was coming from. We kissed him gave him a blessing and prayed for the best. I just kept thinking of his patriarchal blessing, that said (that I bless you that when the time comes you will be able to find a mate and that together you will be worthy to go to the temple of Our Father in heaven and there to be sealed for time and all eternity. I bless you that you will know the joys of parenthood that will have children who will honor you and respect you in this life.) It gave me a little hope. There was so many people there, Clark and I just walked outside when my sister in-law came out and said the social worker is looking for us. I knew, they took us in a little room and told us they did everything they could. They could not stop the bleeding. It was as if I was watching myself on TV. Clark and I cried and cried. Then my other son came and cried with us. Then we went and faced the massive about of friends and relatives waiting down the hall. This will sound weird but all I could think about was the titanic movie when she died and she walked past all those people to greet her friend. That is what I felt like both sides of the hall were full of people. My Justin was home 89 days from his mission, before the accident. There were 11 on the van that day. The instructor and eight boys died. We buried Justin on his 3-month mark of being home. What has helped me is talking about it. Knowing I will see him again. Writing letters too him. It is as I said when he was on his mission he sent me pictures of his bed so I can see were he slept. If I could just get a glimpse of where he is and see what he is doing it would be so much easier for me. It will be
four years, on the 26 of September.
In memory of Justin Clark Huggins
June 6, 1984 - September 26, 2005